In dating, Black women often experience being made to feel inadequate and unworthy of truly genuine, caring, and lasting relationships. Adding herpes to the equation can further exacerbate the difficulties.
Sexually transmitted diseases (STIs), particularly herpes, are fraught with stigma. Confusion and an overall lack of awareness are to blame for feelings of shame, anxiety, confusion, and preconceptions regarding herpes. It’s so widespread that many individuals have it yet don’t talk about it. You’ve probably snatched entitlement or gone on a date with somebody who has it. So, how does it feel to be looking for love while publicly coping with this? Four women agreed to discuss their experiences negotiating sex and dating as a Black woman with herpes.
The viewpoint of an STD life coach
According to Belize Spivey, an STD life coach, having herpes does not predestine you to a lifetime as a spinster. You may continue dating and having sexual intercourse. Spivey got it 11 decades ago, and living with it required her to conduct a lot of introspection about her relationship history. She realized she had a strange sexual relationship, which she used to deal with a lack of self and feel good about herself. Herpes infection forced her to reconsider her motivations for sexual involvement and perform the inner work required to go forward. She discovered living after herpes when she was allowed to do so. She founded her company, Overcoming, 2015 to help other Black women like her.
“There have been no support organizations for people who look like me when I discovered I had herpes,” she recalls. Society is teeming with women who overcome the stigma of being a person with the situation. Platforms like Belize’s are critical in educating women about the fact that they may have successful dating and sexual relations, notwithstanding the prejudice.
Improvement in dating life
Kayla, a 25-year-old woman, claims that her herpes discovery has improved her dating life. “My dating things haven’t changed all that much.” “Herpes has enabled me to be more sensitive with men who deserve my time and set limits with those who are merely looking to smash and pass,'” she says. Interestingly, Kayla stated that the most difficult aspect of dating herpes has been connecting with men who have it.
“My encounter with H+ men hasn’t been enjoyable,” she says. It appears that a few of them will join H+ support networks for little or no physical intimacy, engaging in sexual behaviours that I don’t particularly agree with. Regarding my dating experiences with H- males, I’ve found that they have been more tolerant of my condition. I’ve experienced both favourable and unfavourable revelation results, and while the negative disclosure results didn’t lead to a relationship, they nonetheless politely refused.
Rochelle, a 27-year-old white girl with herpes, hasn’t had the same confident dating life as Kayla. Rochelle’s social standing has harmed her self-esteem.
“I’ve put a lot of time into inner work (with the support of therapy, reading sources, and podcasts) to develop that confidence to go and truly find love again,” she adds. “I’m putting myself out there,” she adds, “but I’ve found myself to be more conscious [about] who I choose to entertain.” As a result of her prognosis, she struggles with fears, anxieties, and low self-esteem.
Rochelle continues, “Don’t get me mistaken, I often indulge in self-pleasure and aspire to be personal with a partner eventually, but it’s been incredibly lonely.”
Destine has had a similar thing happen to Rochelle. After being identified, she suffered from depression. She has, however, had a little luck after attempting to return there and date.
Staying safe while dating
“Going on a date with herpes has been difficult. “When I got my diagnosis, all of my faith vanished,” she adds. I’m very tough on myself, and I had to sort out my mental health problems when it was time to announce. Most people hear herpes and instantly assume the worst, never attempting to know me sincerely. I chose to end my sexual relationship when I was first identified, but it was mostly by choice. Some prospective partners rebuffed me after putting myself out there; however, I recently met someone who also has HSV, and my sex life has skyrocketed.”
When asked what one thing the community needed to understand about those living with herpes, Kayla asserted, “Herpes is not the boogeyman condition that it’s portrayed to be.” While breakouts are inconvenient, they decrease in frequency over time, and maintaining a normal, regular sex life is feasible as long as safe sexual relations are practised with partners. Herpes does not determine your value or attractiveness unless you allow it to.”
Rochelle also urged those aware of herpes to be open and inform possible partners. “It’s not good to communicate, but there’s a considerably lower likelihood of transmission when you’re fully informed.” “Communication is fundamental,” she says. “Let the person who does not have herpes decide to be affectionate with you.”
Conclusion
With such information, knowing and knowing about STIs is much simpler. For those trying to date while suffering from herpes, the reality isn’t nearly as frightening as the presumptions about whether other people react to your diagnosis. Use the resources available to help dispel the stigma associated with it. If your diagnosis has affected your self-esteem, consider counselling to express your feelings about it. You could also participate in a support network like Fight Harder. Most importantly, talk with prospective partners, love oneself, and understand that having herpes will not imply having any affection.
